How I Got Through My Divorce

Without fear of contradiction, I would openly say that divorce is painful, it does not matter whether it was necessary or not. It does not matter which one wanted it; it affects both parties. If not well taken care of, people have committed suicide due to the same. After my divorce, things got hard for me, but I am glad I took a few steps that brought me back to my feet. These are steps I would gladly recommend to anyone who is undergoing divorce despite people’s circumstances being different.

Sharing my story
I must admit that the first few times I told my story, it sounded to me like it was someone else’s and not mine. I was still in a state of shock and disbelief. But the more I told it, the more I accepted it, and the more I realized that I was not alone in this, as many times I met people who had gone through the same. What I had initially feared would turn into a gossip session, turned into a healing session. Some people would advise me against doing so, because I was giving my ex more power over me, but eventually I realized that the more I shared, the more I gained strength to go on with life.

Support groups
I was against this at first, but I gave it a try and it worked well for me. I found an online help group for people who were undergoing divorce. Being with such people gave me confidence and strength to move on. Hearing and reading the testimonies of others helped me know that there are some who have battled this course and came out alive. I got a place I could share my feelings; I could vent about what happened, but at the end, I could get advice as well.

Family and friends
Most people tend to close themselves away from family and friends during hard times, but in times like these, I have learned to be vulnerable to the people that love me. Of course, not all will be there for me, but in most cases, I have had someone to lean on when I needed one during the desperate moments.

Before inviting friends and family, I locked myself in my house for days crying my eyes out. But I am grateful for the fact that one day I picked up the phone and called a few people who turned out to be very supportive.

The Struggles of Dating In This Decade

Every generation has its struggles when it comes to dating and relationships. In the past, things like cheating were a big issue and that could cause division among lovers. Cheating may still be an issue now, but there seems to be more struggles with this generation than the generations before. People work longer, yet also study at the same time. Such things are making dating harder for people living in the current world. Here are a few insights I have learned over the past few years regarding the struggles of dating.

A lot on the plate
The previous generations were not as money oriented as this one. The current generation seems to have more to do, meaning more to balance. Our nature to want more makes us always choose more from the options we are provided with. We are dreaming big to leave a legacy behind and be counted as heroes and legends.

While the other generations were not so soaked in being rich and famous, this seems to be the way in our day and time. When relationships come, they demand time and commitment, which becomes a problem for our careers and ambitions as it will mean we spend less time chasing our dreams. The hardest part is, in the past it was mainly the men chasing dreams, but in this generation, both are.

Sex has taken center stage
The famous one-night stand concept has become more rampant in this generation than in any other. The common trend is that, in dating there has to be sex. Sex has become the whole point of dating and people are no longer interested in long lasting relationships. I will date as long as I get sexual satisfactions, if I cannot get it, I move on to the next relationship. This is a trend that is even carried into marriage. This fact has bred another problem where people fear relationships just because they do not know if the other person will stay faithful.

People are dating, but there is no real commitment in it. Diseases are being spread rampantly as people get into relationships without taking time to know if the other party is clean. As long as there is sex, there is little care in the world. The truth is condoms and other preventive measure have failed, yet people still take the risk just to have sex.

The etiquette of dating is lost
The previous generations had it great; go for a walk, buy her flowers, take her back home and that is it. This current generation seems to have lost the value of things such as flowers and chocolate. The girl I am dating seems to like flowers, but in this generation, when was the last time I saw someone carry flowers to a lady?

The thrill of going for a movie or something of the sort is lost as a woman is taken on such a date even before she enters the teenage years. When I come along, she requires me to take her to the moon. Dating seems to be more of a mind-minded affair and sex oriented than nurturing a relationship. For someone divorced and broke like me, I find it difficult to engage in dating because I may not have the finances. Surely, today’s dating experiences seem to have lost direction and juice when compared to previous generations.

Things I Wish I Did When Married

Most people enter into marriage with the option of getting a divorce; this door is always left open as an emergency fire exit in case things get too hot. What most people lack is knowledge that divorce is not always the solution. And, the solution in most cases, comes when you’re still married. I did a number of things in my marriage that lead us to divorce, but now that I can see things clearly, there are areas I feel I could have done better to give it an opportunity to blossom.

Communication with my spouse
Most relationships fail due to lack of communication. Assuming that the other person will understand the actions taken usually does not end up well. On my side, the default action and reaction to most situations was to go silent. Yes, there are times when silence will be important as it could be better not to say what may hurt the other person, but if this is done repeatedly for a long time, it may show lack of interest in solving issues such as in my case.

The worst part is that I suppressed the feelings for a long time that they needed a channel to get out. I started looking for other ways to relieve myself, being drawn to abnormal sexual desires yet still married to my spouse. Communication is one area I know I could have done better.

Serving my spouse
The other problem with most marriages is that everyone wants to be served and no one is interested in the needs of the other person. It is not bad to be served, but this, if not reciprocated, can have some detrimental outcomes. It grew to a point where I had been served for a long time that I thought it was my right to get such services. I expected my clothes to be washed, food to be on the table, and so on.

The worst is that, even when my spouse was out working and I was in the house, I still expected such services. Now I understand that serving my spouse is not entirely to their benefit, but to mine as well. If my spouse is happy, I am happy too. Besides, the few times I served my spouse, I realized that this increased our love. My spouse seemed more eager to serve me during the moments that I served her.

The Financial Struggle To Divorce

If there is one thing that helps marriages break, its money, and at times it does not have to be a lot. If, in the past, people have killed their spouses for money, what prevents a divorce in a marriage because of money? The solutions are in identifying the problems, some of, which I have personally experienced in my own marriage. These are things that if neglected can cause deeper rifts between a couple that seemed so perfectly together. Let us take a look at some of these factors as we dissect a few truths.

Differences in spending values
When couples do not handle their values well, this can lead to divorce especially in matters related to money. If I think that 20 percent of our money should go into leisure, yet my spouse believes that the same should go into savings for children’s college, already a rift has been created. If one party insists without giving a valid reason why one way is better and not the other, this breeds problems. How both spouses value the use of money determines how other areas of the relationship will be handled.

Addictions and passions
There are characters that need to be worked on before one gets into marriage unless both spouses agree to it. Characters such as gambling have a high reputation of breaking marriages. The worst part is if it is done in secret, trying to keep the other from knowing. The day things will come to light might be the end of the marriage. This also still touches on the issue of values of spending money. If I can keep secrets about gambling and other addictions from my spouse, what other secrets am I keeping?

Financial instability
Lack of a source of incomes can be a motivation for one party to love the other even more, but in a number of cases, it has proved to be the dividing factor. Lack of finances brings to light the things that are dear to one. Couples differ on what costs to cut, and what costs to retain. If I hold entertainment dear and my spouse suggests that we do away with the television and the music system, already there is a problem created. Couples have divorced over such issues.

Money comes with power and the one who controls money, may have power over the other. If this is not put in check, it can lead to separation. Learning to deal with financial issues can help protect our marriages and prevent divorce.

My Thoughts On The American Divorce Rate

The generations before us valued marriage above all things, putting the children’s interests above their own. In our times, the capitalistic mind has crept into relationships to an extent that a simple thing can lead to a divorce. Statistics about divorce can be scary, but there is always a silver lining when such dark clouds appear. There are a number of factors that must be put to play before making a judgment on the rate of divorce.

A few statistics on divorce
Roughly, 70 percent of marriages that began in the 90s lived to see their fifteenth anniversary, while those married in the 70s and 80s had a 65 percent rate of making it to their 15th anniversary. This shows that marriages back then had a higher chance of divorce. For couples who wed in the new millennium, the rate has gone lower placed at around 50 percent.

Marriage in the modern era has been hugely influenced by the feminist movement in the 70s. As women gained more power to go to work and make money, marriage was now based on love, income and shared responsibilities.

More people are marrying late in life and this is resulting in more mature marriages. Those who marry between the ages of 20 and 24 have a higher tendency of divorcing than those who marry later. They are almost two times likely to get a divorce compared to those who get married between the ages of 25-29.

What causes divorce in America
Age seems to be a major player in decision making; those above 25 years seem to be better at making decisions regarding relationships more than those younger. Financial status also seems to be a common cause of the trend. If one spouse appears to bring less to the table, the other may opt out. The environment also determines when a marriage can end, Nevada has the highest rates possible because of the night life that is vibrant in that area.

Based on my experience, I think communication can be the magic wand to most of these issues. Always finding solutions as a couple can help reduce the rate of divorce. Before getting into marriage, issues such as finances should clearly be addressed with the projection of future hard times for one or both spouses. Communication is the spice that spouses need to make it through marriage.

While the figures depicting the rate of divorce may be impressive, there are certainly ways marriage partners can protect their marriages. I tend to believe that if couples are able to discuss issues in time, accept mistakes, live to correct their misdoings, and allocate sufficient time for themselves to show intimacy, things can work out pretty well.

How To Stay On Good Terms With Your Ex

Most relationships whether dating or marriage end in bitterness or heartache especially when one party is caught cheating. This has pushed people into an unforgiving and hating position that at times they do not want to be in, but do not know how keep themselves away from. The person you once loved becomes the person you hate the most. The worst is, history cannot be undone as beds have been shared, and resources spent. Some have even gone to the extent of living under one roof. The biggest challenge is not how to move on after a breakup, but how to retain the friendship after one.

No need to trash talk
Common with most break ups is the tendency to talk ill about one another, yet there are good times spent together. Some people are of the school of thought that speaking about the relationship is healthy for healing, which is true. The problem comes in when now it ceases to be speaking about the relationship and it becomes speaking ill about the person. As a sense of justification, people tend to try and put down their exes thinking it will breed satisfaction. This satisfaction is usually very temporal. When breaking up a relationship, I say we will remain friends, and if I truly mean it, I will avoid talking bad about the person.

Respect for space and decisions
By the time a break up comes through, most people will have decided long ago to move on. When the time comes that such a revelation is brought to light, it is important to respect what the other person has decided. My ex may do things I do not agree with, but I allow them their way, regardless. I am not in a position to start dictating to them what they can or cannot do; my best option is to show respect because that is what I would want done to me.

Ensure the motives of being friends is right
Handling a situation where people have shared emotions is not easy, worse is if the two have taken separate ways. I usually leave the door for friendship open, not to reignite the passion once more but just to be friends with the person for who they are. Being friends with them to try and win their heart back usually just ends up in more pain. If I am doing this, I am denying myself the opportunity to move on because my ex will find a way to do so.

You don’t have to live in hatred with your ex. I have shared these tips to help those who may be having a life of abhorrence with their former lovers.

Financial Planning For A Single’s Future

Everyone needs to plan for their finances given the uncertain nature of the future. We cannot also live hoping nothing bad will happen and all things will be well. For things to be better in the future some intentional planning must be done to avoid being in a tough position. To be wise, do not eat everything earned; do some investing that will ensure the future is safe. This does not guarantee a 100 percent safe future, but not planning is almost always a guarantee of a dull future.

Take insurance coverage
Losing insurance coverage is a common thing after divorce; the worst is a lot of people find themselves bankrupt for not being able to pay their medical bills. It is wise to include medical coverage in the emergency plan for the future. The other coverage necessary is disability insurance coverage. This is even more important to single parents who do not get money from their spouses to reduce the financial gap.

Check with your employer if the coverage comes with other benefits. Life insurance is also a wise move as a single parent. The type of life insurance coverage I need depends on my needs; I determine this by knowing what I would want my money to do.

Strengthen the cash flow
Cash flow can be irregular at times, but most single parents may be receiving Social Security benefits for children, alimony for payments, child support or insurance payments. The disadvantage is that over time, such payments reduce or stop completely. Projecting ahead is a wise move; the first option is to invest in other sources of income with the money received, or to adjust lifestyle in readiness for future hard times.

Setting up a trust can also be a good thing. I ensure my children’s future is safe by setting up a trust in which my assets are held for my children.

Being safe for emergencies
You do not have to send memos for emergencies to come your way; most people are caught off guard a number of times, but I decided it will not be me. I laid aside some money adequate enough to act as my financial net that will keep me safe on rainy days. Businesses can endure hard times, but with an emergency fund somewhere, safety is guaranteed. The general rule is to create a six-month emergency fund savings for the family, something that worked fine for me.